Louis Davis with his wife Ashleigh and baby. (Photo supplied)
In this extract from his new book, The Modern Dad*, social media storyteller Louis Davis says that one of the most important things dads can do for their kids is to honour their mums.*
Lots of people think my wife Ash and I have a fairytale romance: teenage sweethearts who were meant to be together, living a charmed life. They see us fooling around in social media videos, and see our growing family, and think what an amazing relationship we must have.
And it’s true, we do have a great relationship. But, like every marriage, it takes a lot of time and effort to keep it in a good place.
Over the 15 or so years we have been together, our relationship has changed and gone through different phases. Becoming parents was a major change, and our relationship has definitely shifted to reflect our changing priorities as caregivers of a growing flock of small children.
We’re in a stage of our lives when our children’s needs come before our own, and there are a lot of them (needs and children). But our relationship is still strong, because we both make the effort to stay connected even when times are tough.
There is a saying that the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother, and I agree with that. And it’s not just about loving her: it’s also about honouring and respecting my partner and appreciating all the things she does for us, providing for her as she raises our family, and making sure she has the time and headspace to take care of herself.
It’s a different kind of love from the early days when we couldn’t get enough of each other and just wanted to be together every second of the day. In fact, that’s how it’s ended up, with us being not only romantic and sexual partners but also business partners, flatmates and co-parents. We still spend a lot of time together, it’s just that now so much of our time is taken up with looking after our kids and our home and our business, there are fewer opportunities for romance.
Part of being a great parent is being a great partner. Everything in your life will go better if the mother of your children is happy, well and well supported. And by honouring the mother of your children, you are honouring your kids and setting them up for the best chance of success in their lives.
*
I first met Ash when I was 15, and it was an instant attraction. I was crazy about her. She was funny, she was quick on her feet, she was kind — I just loved everything about her. I used to jump out my window at night, and convince her to jump out her window, and we’d meet at this park in between our two houses and hang out all night.
Because Ash’s mum let her make her own choices, she didn’t always go to school the day after, but my parents always made me go to school — I had to be dead to not go to school — so I’d get into bed at like 6 in the morning as the sun was rising and then my mum would come in at 7.30 and say hurry up, we’re going. So I’d go to school on no sleep and come home exhausted and do the same thing the next night, over and over again.
I said right from the start that I wanted to marry her and that we would be together for life. At that age you don’t really know how things are going to turn out — you’re just a kid, a teenager talking shit about how you feel in that moment. I had her put on my skin when I was 16, as part of my moko. She thought that was a bit full-on, but I knew that even if we didn’t stay together after that, it would still be beautiful, because she was part of my story.
A lot of people think (or want to believe) that our relationship ran really smoothly from day one and that we never fought and we never broke up. But the reality is, we went through all the crazy teenage shit when we were at school: arguing, breaking up all the time, being dramatic — I don’t want to be with you, I can’t live without you — all the Romeo and Juliet stuff.
At that time in your life, all those emotions are so, so big, and the first time you fall in love, it’s so huge it swallows you up. Then your first break-up is so big, it’s the end of the world. It’s easy for a break-up or other heartbreak to cause some young people to spiral out of control, because you just don’t have the emotional capacity or life experience to deal with the intensity of those feelings.
Something that might seem upsetting but bearable to an adult can be totally overwhelming for a young person, and I did lose a mate to suicide when I was 16. Sadly, it’s a story that plays out over and over again, particularly with young men who have had their hearts broken but have no way to process that emotion, no belief that things will get better or that they will be loved again, or feel that they can never risk being hurt like this again.
But Ash and I stuck at it, and in the end, being together was always better than being apart, and we made that commitment to stay together. That’s what it’s like being with someone, to be married. It’s an active choice, and one we make every day. I accept the fact that just because we’re married, and we’ve been married for a long time, doesn’t mean we’ll always be married. Some days it’s harder than others, and I’m sure she’d say the same (probably more often). But every day I make an active choice to love my wife and stay with her.
For some people, it’s probably ruining the illusion, but I think it’s important to be straight-up about this, because it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that a relationship has to be all or nothing — the whole romantic movie script — or it’s not enough. But life isn’t like that. My wife and I have been through terrible stuff together, and that’s the reality of life. People we loved have hurt us and we’ve hurt them, we’ve argued and we’ve disappointed each other, but we’re still here and we’re still together.
I often get held up on a pedestal for being this loving father and amazing husband, but I’m just like everybody else. I know people want to believe in the fairytale, but I’m going to keep on being honest so that people don’t expect their relationship to be a walk in the park, and think that if it’s not, they must not be with the right person.
That’s not the case: if you’re with the right person, you’re probably still going to fight heaps and butt heads heaps. I know that’s true for me and Ash, but I continue to make the active choice to love my wife and be with my wife. Ultimately, meeting roadblocks and having to work through things as a couple makes us stronger. Every time we overcome a challenge, it is more evidence that we can do this, that we love each other, and that we will make it.
*
Obviously, our relationship has changed over time, especially in the past five years as we’ve started growing a family together. My experience of how my marriage has changed after having kids is not unique — if you think your relationship isn’t going to change once kids come along, you’re going to get a big shock. Our entire focus has shifted to loving and caring for our children, and our relationship has taken hits because of that.
Before kids, we made decisions together as a team, but the stakes are higher now with our children’s wellbeing on the line. There are so many decisions that have to be made on a day-to-day basis — what they should wear, what they should eat, how we should speak to them — as well as the longer-term, bigger-picture stuff, and it can all cause clashes.
Another challenge is that we have to do all of this while dealing with the disruption to our sleep that comes with having kids, which at times makes us feel like we’re going crazy. When you are chronically sleep-deprived, it can be hard to remember that you’re firing on fewer cylinders and not take it out on your partner, who probably feels just as bad, or worse.
Neither of us has had a decent night’s sleep in literally years, and it’s not going to get better any time soon. I have to remind myself that it will probably never be as hard as it is right now, when everything that happens is compounded by lack of sleep. I look Ash in the eye and say, “Just wait: one day we will be doing this on at least four hours’ sleep — we will be unstoppable.” I reckon that’s maybe another two or three years away.
But having kids together and raising them can also create an incredible deepening of your love and connection. Seeing the person you love go through pregnancy and bring your child into the world expands your capacity for love in a way you never thought possible. These moments are so exciting and make you feel so connected.
As tāne, it is humbling to see the sacrifice that your partner makes to carry your children, birth your children, then raise those children, and I feel immense gratitude for everything Ash has done for me. I know that what we have gone through has brought us closer together overall, even though at times it might feel like it’s pushing us apart.
(image supplied)
Extracted from The Modern Dad by Louis Davis, published by Allen & Unwin Aotearoa New Zealand, $39.99.
See also Louis’ kōrero with Dale Husband here.
The post Being a good partner appeared first on E-Tangata.
From E-Tangata via This RSS Feed.