Written by Tim Foley.
The movie always ends with the boy getting the girl, that’s the problem. Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt “I’m gonna grab ya” and then they kiss and the credits roll, and they leave out all the hard yards to come. You know the Jack Nicholson character is still a tortured train wreck of a man at the end of As Good as It Gets, and if he stays as-is you know Helen Hunt is in for a miserable few months before calling it quits.
They end the story there, but in real life that’s where the story truly begins. That’s where the boy needs to start doing the work in order to KEEP the girl. And not just keep her, but actually improve her life and help her thrive.
He can’t just SAY “You make me wanna be a better man.” He needs to actually BECOME a better man.
He needs to heal.
He needs to grow.
He needs to exorcize all his inner demons which cut her and bruise her.
He needs to purge everything within himself which crowds her out or makes her small.
He needs to find and uproot all the patriarchal tendencies our society has taught him which slant everything in a relationship to favor men more than women.
He needs to clear out any conditioning which poses an obstacle to her happiness, fulfillment, and expansion.
He needs to harbor an intense curiosity about what she wants and where she’s feeling pinched or restricted, with such luminosity and enthusiasm that he even helps her discover desires she hadn’t let herself recognize and expand in directions she didn’t know were possible.
He needs to uplift her. He needs to actively create space for her. He needs to help her achieve her goals and live the kind of life she wants to live. He needs to cheerlead her. He needs to be her biggest fan. He needs to use his masculine strength and energy to elevate her in the world.
He needs to continue to woo her and win her over, just like he did in the beginning. There is no valid reason why the honeymoon should ever end. There is no valid reason why that initial magic ever needs to die.
He needs to keep falling in love with her, and keep giving her cause to keep falling in love with him. As he grows to become a better man for her while facilitating her continued growth and expansion, both he and she will always be finding new things to love about each other, and discovering new capacities to love more deeply.
Our society doesn’t teach men this. Our culture tells us that you do what you need to do to get the girl, and then once you’ve got her you just sort of coast along taking each other for granted until one of you dies. Because all the stories end before the real romance begins.
The real romance is what happens after. The real romance is when two people spend their lives in a wild and crazy free-fall plunge moving deeper and deeper into intimacy with each other, removing every obstacle that gets in the way.
That’s where the real story plays out. That’s where the rubber meets the road.
It’s what we all long for, deep down. That’s the potential we’re actually recognizing in all those popular romances.
And there’s no reason we can’t have it. All we need is the courage to take the leap, and someone willing to take it with us.
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