Somehow we’ve reached the bloody Strictly Come Dancing semi-final? That’s right, next week is the big final. While it has at times felt like a chore getting through this series of Strictly, I actually can’t believe it’s nearly over.
But our couples still have to fight for their place. And with two dances each this week, there’s double the campery, double the points, and double the pressure. So on with the show!
Strictly Come Dancing: the dances – part one
Balvinder and Julian dancing the salsa
For this first Strictly VT segment, the couples sit down with the judges and discuss how far they’ve come. It’s like interview week at The Apprentice, except in a fake living room and Craig’s wearing the most unreal sparkly shirt.
Motsi tells Bal and Julian they need “rhythm rhythm rhythm” and Anton says “and failing that just get yourself in the dance off, and you’ll be through”, in reference to the fact she’s been an absolute dance off assassin and won five.
The dance is absolutely stunning, jam-packed, and almost perfectly executed. And as a bonus, Jules has got his chest out, so I’m happy. In the Clauditorium, we find out Julian’s mum flew from Australia for this episode, and Julian cries. They score 35, which is, as always, undermarked.
Amber and Nikita dancing the tango
Amber cries as the judges praise her. This is the first of two Bublé songs tonight, and somehow they’re not Christmas songs or Cry Me a River. It’s very hot because, of course, it is. Nikita’s wearing a sheer shirt and waistcoat, just in case anyone wanted to know.
The Strictly judges are mean in ways they 100% won’t be when George fucks up later. Craig comes to their defence after he calls Shirley and Anton “unnecessarily harsh”. Amber says in the Clauditorium that she thought the tango was Latin, so she brought the wrong shoes to training. They score 37.
Karen and Carlos dancing the waltz
Karen says she feels like she’s at parents’ evening, having a sit-down with the judges. The absolutely annoying thing is that at this point that they’re all just so fucking good. This is an absolutely stunning dance, and they both end up sobbing, then I sob cos of how far she’s come.
The singers did something very odd to One Moment in Time though, so it was just a little bit too fast and odd. Literally everyone cries in the judging and in the Clauditorium. Carlos, the judges, Claudia, me, Carlos again and, somehow, even Nadiya under all that robotics. They score 39.
George and Alexis dancing the samba
He tells the Strictly judges he’s glad he got to show a serious side, and I’m not sure where that was amidst the backflips. They’re also lining him up for a “gaining his self-confidence” arc, and again, where was his confidence lacking?
He whips off his shirt and blazer at the beginning to reveal a sparkly tasselled thing that is open to his belly, and oh god the ick. He then shakes his arse at Shirley a bit, and she’d give him a 50 for that alone if she could. For most of the dance, we didn’t actually see George as the camera was squarely on Alexis, probably because once again, there was very little dancing in it for him. They score 35, and it’s utter bullshit that they scored the same as Balvinder.
Strictly Come Dancing: the dances – part two
Balvinder and Julian dancing the waltz
All Bal’s besties come down for Strictly rehearsals, and it’s proper lush. I love a bit of Balvinder doing ballroom, man. There’s a bit of Gillian Anderson in Julian’s mum, and I am not mad at that. Motsi calls it “impressible” then hopes that’s an English word and y’know what, Motsi, it was impressible babes. They score 35 again, which again is undermarked.
Amber and Nikita dancing their couple’s choice
Just gonna say this now, a couple’s choice in the semi-final is unfair as fuck. Her dance is about her journey, but they again conveniently miss out that she’s a West End star. And like I love you girl, but at least own it. That was stunning, but of course it was, it was essentially a show dance.
Nikita calls out the sheer amount of hate Amber’s had online, which, by the way, has been some of the most disgustingly misogynistic bile I’ve ever seen. It’s a fucking dance show at the end of the day, get a fucking grip. They score 40.
Karen and Carlos dancing the salsa
Karen’s mum comes into training and says she’s a celebrity around her way now. There’s some stunning costuming in this dance for glittery mafia boss Kaz Carney. This is her best dance yet; that’s my winner right there, man. Watch them go out in the dance off now. Craig said it was skippy, and Gorka boos so fucking loudly, I’ve missed him. They score 39, which is bullshit. What the fuck, Craig?
George and Alexis dancing the Charleston
Doing two dances where he gets to muck about seems very convenient. This dance is apparently inspired by The Inbetweeners, because of course it is. He gives major “still finds The Inbetweeners funny” vibes. He nearly drops her about four times in one section, which isn’t picked up on by the Strictly judges at all. In fact, they fucking praise the lifts. The choreography is just simplistic as fuck, as it’s always been. They score 37, and in what world was that worth two tens?
With the scores put together, we’ve got Karen and Carlos at the top of the leaderboard with 78, closely followed by Amber and Nikita with 77. Then we jump down to George and Alexis on 72, and at the bottom, are Balvinder and Julian scoring a combined 70. With that, the vote is open! By rights, it should be George out, but it absolutely won’t happen. Before we go, we find out Craig has the casting vote.
The results show
With just four left, nobody wants to go home before the final next week. But someone must.
Before any of that, though, we get a ridiculously pink pro number featuring Kylie Minogue. Kylie’s singing a Christmas song that involves spelling X-M-A-S. I’m ashamed of how long it took me to work out what they were spelling. She’s very hot though, so, yknow.
There might be only four couples left, but the BBC is still determined to make this a 45-minute show. So we get three recaps of a show we watched less than 24 hours ago in the first 15 minutes alone. We also get a judges best bits, which is essentially another recap.
As this is Tess and Claudia’s second-to-last show, there’s a gorgeous tribute to them both, but it does make it seem like they’re dying. It includes incredible moments such as Anton saying Tess is never phased and Motsi saying they were the first people she ever met on Strictly, despite her literal sister being on it. They’re then presented with little gold glitterballs, and everyone cries.
After a million years (25 minutes) we finally find out George and Alexis and Karen and Carlos are through to the final.
There’s a performance from the band James and there’s a weirdly sensible dance to Sit Down. The performance has been switched from the final episode to tonight, for some reason. However, it’s excellent news for millennials as it means 5ive have been bumped to the final! It also includes Kai in a blue shirt dancing with Lauren which is fucking perfect.
In a move of pure and utter bullshit, Amber and Nikita face Balvinder and Julian in the final. While it’s true that Amber does have a lot of dance experience, there’s never been any rules against that, and the show would be boring as shit without our ringers. Anyway, as much as Bal deserved to reach the final, purely because of how much she endured and fought, she’s just no match for Amber, and she sadly goes home. What I’m most worried about it how much more hate this will lead to for Amber.
We all know who should’ve been in this position, but of course, he’s got horrendous fans behind him. Calling it now that removed is gonna win this and it won’t be because he deserves it.
Well, all that awaits now is the Strictly final! I’m excited to see what they pull out and I’ll be rooting for Karen and Amber so hard. But with someone with a fanbase this feral, it almost seems like a forgone conclusion.
Oh and don’t forget the column will come on Saturday next week, as there is no Sunday show. There’ll also be a special best bits column on Wednesday!
Until then, for the final time this year on a Sunday, keeeeeep dancing!
Featured image via the Canary
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